Filed under: random | Tags: love, midnight in paris, personal, romance, society, wine, writing
I’d like to find a good romance. You know the kind. The type where scintillating conversation brews over a cup of coffee in a dimly lit cafe during the late evening. I know you’ve got the image in your head. Both of you are smiling; engaged. It’s hard to come by that much these days. It’s anyone’s guess why. I’ve come to believe it’s like anything else that’s a trend: it fades away. Romance was something that was and now it isn’t. Naturally, there are romantics still out there. The most romantic night I had recently was one where after a freezing evening of bar hopping, two friends and I from out of town decided to hole up in a warm 24-hour restaurant inhabited by the midnight owls of Chicago. No, I wasn’t trying for a menage a tois; I also mean romantic in the sense that it was a subtle, calming moment– one that existed against the rules of time; because as 4am rolled around, despite feeling the lull of exhaustion prepping itself, had someone offered us another round of free coffee, I’m sure we all would have said yes. Romance is more than just a ravishing woman caressing your body– romance is a soft light, a cup of hot tea, and a journal for writing; romance is the energy between two musicians riffing off one another for a timeless evening; romance is shopping for old records or books you can’t find anywhere else. An emphasis on mood and ambiance is clutch in creating/finding romance, something that I think is hard to come by. We all live so fast nowadays that who has time to think about setting themselves up for a proper writing session? That’s why it’s hard to meet someone at a coffee shop and find yourself entranced by the words your new friend is saying– I know that when I’m somewhere alone, I probably mean business; for someone to interrupt just feels rude, despite how positive their intentions may be. But I still relish the idea of a spontaneous connection.
Nevertheless, who says romance has to always be spontaneous? That’s also part of why romance is fading– there’s no romance in getting really drunk at a party and hooking up with someone. It’s mostly why I haven’t even kissed a lady in over two years; I can’t seem to find the desire to share myself with someone physically unless I know the next morning it’s going to mean something. The most intoxicating of nights has led me to walk upstairs into my room alone because my desire for a passionate, meaningful intimacy overwhelms all other feelings I might have. Yet I have to wonder how many others would actually agree. I feel like I’m always going to be the one heading home alone because I’d like to have a guarantee that there will be something more at the end of it all. It’s part of why I haven’t made any new friends in a while– I often ask myself, “What’s the point in getting involved with this person if I know tomorrow’s gonna come and we assuredly will not keep in touch?” Shit. I don’t know that. You can’t know anything unless you try! That’s my fault. Maybe it’s my fault romance is dead in my life. Suppose the game has changed and all this romance that I’m dreaming of is out there, but how I make it there is just a bit different than how I thought…
It was like straight out of a movie how I met two completely random audio engineer friends that I have. I was on the train, drunk after a bunch of shots from a long day of recording at Wall to Wall. A buddy and I were talking mildly loud about recording and when he got off, the man near me with thick rimmed, black glasses asks, “Excuse me, are you in audio? (or something to that extent)” We began to chat and by the end of the ride, I’d made two new friends. In my eyes that’s romantic. And it happened because I didn’t overthink it. I let myself be involved in the conversation and made the effort to say, “let’s exchange information.” If I want romance so badly, I have to let it happen… not keep holding out for this ideal situation where all of a sudden I realize, “Hey, this is awfully romantic.” How can I “set the mood” for a beautiful evening of french music, a home made dinner, and a comfortable amount of cuddling for a girl I love if I don’t even give myself the chance to find her? She might be at one of these parties I go to; she might be the one I’m riding an elevator with at the gym– yet if I don’t take that plunge, I’ll never know. Who cares if we’re both drunk– if that’s a connection we’re having, I should let it happen… not constantly question, “Will this mean anything?” Nobody knows until you try– until I try. I still control moments like these– sitting alone in the kitchen under a calm, single light listening to the Midnight In Paris soundtrack… I still control what I listen to late at night while driving… I still control turning on Tony Bennett as I cook a new recipe with a glass of wine in tow– all these things romantic in my mind. But love is a two way street. And for so long I’ve been trying to control all the factors on how I find it. Truth is? I don’t control it. I have to walk that road with another person… and maybe it’s about time I let romance develop– not just continue trying to wait for everything to have the “right moment.” The right moment is overrated. At least I think it is… We’ll see what happens soon enough.
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