Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: controls, epic games, gears of war, graphics, retrospect, uncharted
Looking back on things is fun. We have a word for that. It’s called “nostalgia.” It’s the non-pathetic way of explaining why you can’t get over your first love from high school or the real reason why you still like “All That.” In the video game world, nostalgia sometimes doesn’t exist. For many players, games are eternal. Tetris is still amazing, the Ninja Turtles really did make the best brawlers. Although some games do stand the test of time (Ocarina of Time, no pun intended, still isn’t dated, IMO), lots of top tier titles do fall terribly. “Pong” really isn’t fun anymore and “San Francisco Rush” might be the worst racing franchise ever (in fact, the N64 is a truly over-glorified system– nostalgia is the reason why you disagree with that statement). Over the past couple of nights I played through “Gears of War” again with my homeboy, Kevin. Err, I didn’t necessarily play through it, so much as I cursed and yelled through unresponsive controls, clunky characters, shit dialogue, poor graphics, bad checkpoints, and a slew of other problems. I would probably never bother to write this post under any other circumstance… But this is the reason why I have to get up on my soapbox:
This crap fest of a game has a 94 on Metacritic. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. In retrospect, “Gears of War” would garner maybe a 6 or 7 out of 10 in my book. Kevin said, “5 at best.” To stir up some controversy, let’s dive into a post-mortem review of a game that maybe never should have gotten the praise it did.
Right from the opening sequence I was having issues controlling my character. His big fat body takes up half the screen and the amount of weight the developers gave him is unreal. I could hardly play Uncharted 3 afterwards because it felt way too light– I was missing opponents by a mile. It’s almost obscene how difficult it is to pull off the right moves. I had constant issues taking cover, chainsawing grubs, and even reviving my teammate. Speaking of melee, that mechanism along with the grenade tossing is a goddamn joke. On Hardcore I could barely toss a grenade without dying because it takes so long. And more than half the time I got chopped in half before I could do the honors because sometimes your chainsaw just doesn’t want to rev. Even when it did rev up I couldn’t get it to work sometimes. Horse crap.
The graphics aren’t bad… but they kind of are. I had to constantly remind myself this is an Xbox 360 game and not its predecessor. Go look at the environments of “Uncharted” and tell me who wins. Wait, I’ll do it for you!
VERSUS
Parts of the game truly looked like a PS2 era video game. Especially one scene where we failed to complete the objective and found a giant monster destroying our APC. Also, as Kevin duly pointed out, the lack of color really makes “Gears” look like a total bore fest. None of the levels are very striking, and when taking cover on the environments is half the gameplay, you’d think each level might look distinct and wonderful. Definitely not the case…
Two things I’ll entirely forget about “Gears:” the dialogue and the music. Every time we had to slow down and walk, listening to the story develop was a major pain in my ass. Nothing infuriated me more than being primed and ready to annihilate some Locusts only to have to take a phone call from Anya. Plus, despite that being obnoxious, no one ever had anything of value to say. The characters are all thin as tracing paper and their comments about the current mission were best left unsaid. Along with dialogue, the soundtrack is weak as can be. Even “Halo,” a cookie-cutter big-budget franchise has more memorable music. Some of the musical cues were cool though: I enjoyed the bell that ominously rings every time you complete an objective or even the droning guitar that fades in after you defeat all the Locust in the area. That was a sweet touch.
Want to know what wasn’t a sweet touch? The checkpoints. My favorite was when we bested a Berserker with the bad ass Hammer of Dawn gun and then tried sprinting through a wall of fire only to die and have to do the whole thing over again. Crap like that made the game infuriating. Or how about that time when we demolished a slew of Locust in a cemetery and when Kevin went to shoot a propane tank in the next section of the level and died like an idiot by getting raped by the Kryll we had to do that all over again. Poor checkpoints. Real poor.
“Gears of War” really isn’t that bad of a game. On the whole we were able to get through it and had a decent enough time. But really, the whole game is just pretty forgettable. How it made out with a cumulative rating of a 94 is astonishing. I remember playing it back when it first came out and thought it was awesome. That was dumb ass high school me though. That was the version of me that didn’t appreciate the Dualshock controller and Sony’s superior graphics. All in all I was an idiot about video games who played casually. How did this one slip by all the pros who play and review games for a living? Even if it had an 80 I might be sitting here saying, “Yeah, I get it. This was an early 360 title.” But a 94? On Metacritic? That is coveted, my friends. When unique, wonderful games like “El Shaddai: Ascension of the Metatron” and “Catherine” are coming out under the radar, receiving stupid 50% ratings from goobers like IGN, yet a game like “Gears of War” is getting perfect scores, and receiving two further Blockbuster sequels, I gotta rant a little bit.
Time isn’t always kind to everyone or everything. And time has really hindered “Gears of War.”
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